I had something pretty rotten happen to me this semester at CSU, and I don’t really want to talk about in detail here, because there will be a letter written to the head of the department about it, so I don’t want to get academically-dooced or anything. But, when this semester is over, I’ll reveal a little bit more about it.
Part of the aftermath of this academic nuclear winter is that I’m taking a nice long metaphoric look in the mirror and trying to evaluate myself as not just a student, but as a productive member of society. In many of the endeavors that I’ve had to tackle, I’ve usually half-assed it and come out above average and been okay with that, satisfied in the knowledge that if I really wanted to, I could be awesome. Lately, I’m noticing that I have to work very hard in these business classes to keep up to speed. I’m wondering if part of this is just because the material is so advanced, or because I’m cashing in some negative karma-points for my hubris about my intelligence level. Coupling this with some of my self-doubting in my professional life, I feel borderline deficient.
I’m just feeling a little burned out and panicky right now, and starting to compare myself to everyone else, asking myself why I’m not succeeding the way I wanted to. Of course, the super-ego says, “don’t be silly – perfection takes practice” but my id is throwing an epic meltdown that would make a two-year-old proud.
I’m just pissed because I’m not perfect.